She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Randomize
