maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
