Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize