we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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