its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
