I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
