The police scanner is talking about you again....
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
