Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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