She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
two words...techno handjob
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's no shave November. This is our time.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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