Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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