i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
