He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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