I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Randomize
