i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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