dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
