Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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