I think I am morally bankrupt
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
