Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
