That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
