If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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