I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
