So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
