i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
