My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
