I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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