my phone needs a breathalizer
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
