OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
accomplished twins. life is a go
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
