Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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