I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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