He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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