I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
