They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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