I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
