i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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