Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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