Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
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