just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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