someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Sex in the backyard? Check.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
