I think im going to throw up on grandma
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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