why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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