I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Randomize
