Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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