oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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