Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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