thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
3pm strippers are depressing
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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