Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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