sarcasm needs its own font
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He did a backflip because drugs
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