im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
