woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
