i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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