So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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