My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
