Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
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he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
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It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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