Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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