At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
