I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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