i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé