so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
bring money and cleavage
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
