first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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